Turning the Lights Back On! Finding My Way Back to Synagogue, Loving It, & Finding Peace

 Turning the Lights Back On

Finding My Way Back to Synagogue, Loving It, & Finding Peace

 

As is the case with pretty much every Billy Joel song, his mastery of words touches one person versus another in different ways and that is the genius of the Piano Man. How many times have you heard someone say that his songs have affected every situation that they experienced during their life. For me, his song “Turn the Lights Back On” beautifully describes my journey back to Temple decades after not attending on a regular basis. 

 

There was never a hesitation in my love and belief in Judaism. I truly believe that we are all equally God’s children and not one person is a primary child of God and the rest of us are secondary. It does not logically make sense to me. The Torah teaches us that we are all made in the image of God and have free will. If we are all made in Gods image, then God is not just white or black or brown or tan or olive or heterosexual or homosexual, but God encompasses all of them. Many people around the world pray to the Almighty, who embodies all of what we are then people should love and not judge others by their looks, how they pray, where they come from or whom they love. We should judge people by their character. Just because you go to Temple, Church, or a Mosque every week doesn’t absolve you for writing mean tweets about Hispanic Immigrants. 

 

The first verse of the song, “Please open the door, nothing is different we’ve been here before. Pacing these halls trying to talk over the silence. And pride sticks out its tongue, laughs at the portrait that we have become. Stuck in a frame unable to change I was wrong,” perfectly describes my nervousness, and stubbornness regarding my views over the years of belonging to a congregation. When I was a young adult, I was turned off to organized Judaism for various reasons such as the pressure to date or marry someone who is Jewish or to keep Kosher. I like ham and bacon and since the Kosher laws were written, refrigerators were invented along with modern medicine. 

 

However, my biggest turn off was my Jewish friends, and acquaintances who looked down and thumbed their nose at people who were not Jewish. How could you judge someone just because they weren’t a lawyer or a doctor? Who are we to thumb our noses at gentiles?  Aren’t WE the people who were persecuted and murdered for thousands of years because Jews might look different, pray differently and have our own unique traditions? I convinced myself that I didn’t need to go to Temple to be a good Jew or a good person. I felt like I didn’t fit in with my own religion.

 

In my late thirties, my middle son Brandon was interested in going to Hebrew school. Brandon is one of my three children from my first wife, who is Christian. Brandon was born in Sweden while my first wife and I were living there.  Brandon’s interest in attending Hebrew school started a few years after we had relocated to the Orlando area. A Jewish friend of Brandon’s invited us to a Hannukah service at a conservative synagogue and afterwards I had a chance to have a conversation with the Rabbi regarding Brandon’s interest in getting more involved with Judaism. 

 

When the Rabbi found out that Brandon’s mother was Christian, he rudely informed me that Brandon would have to convert to Judaism before he could be enrolled in their Hebrew school. I was upset and disappointed with the Rabbi because in my mind all my children were both Jewish and Christian. In both of my marriages, we have always brought both religions into our households. In the 21^st Century, it didn’t make sense to me that there was no flexibility on behalf of the synagogue. Jews only make up two percent of the population in the United States and here was a boy, who was genuinely interested in following the Jewish faith and he was rudely turned away by that congregation. I investigated enrolling Brandon in a reformed congregation but there were none near to where I lived. This only solidified, in my mind, that one can be a good Jew and person without having to belong to a congregation. 

 

I am an avid reader. I have been my whole adult life. The subjects that I read about are predominately American History, World War II, the Holocaust and I have read a few books on Jewish History. You’re never too old to learn new things. Outside of my late father and grandfather, my hero is Abraham Lincoln. Why? Because Abraham Lincoln was not perfect in his decision making nor was, he a perfect person. However, as President Lincoln got older, he learned from his mistakes and questionable opinions from his past and made the correct decisions on emancipation and what was best for the survival of our nation with compassion for all. That is why he is the greatest American ever to live. We can learn from the mistakes of history and make ourselves better people, better Jews, a better country and a better world.  

 

For many years I felt alone in my Judaism. Book after book that I read about the Holocaust ripped at my heart and my mind. The stories brought me to tears and strengthened my belief in my faith and I didn’t have anyone who could relate to how I felt or to share my thoughts and feelings with. As antisemitism increased and the rise of far-right political parties grew in our own country and around the world, I watched with horror as history started to repeat itself. Our own country, the United States of America under the leadership of Donald Trump and his MAGA movement promotes a white nationalist policy of hatred against every minority. Trump has given permission to Neo Nazis to rise and commit antisemitic acts of violence. He doesn’t try to hide his true colors as he dines and pardons Neo Nazis.  

 

Another verse in Billy Joel’s “Turn the Lights Back On” that I can relate goes “I’m late, but I’m here right now. Is there still time for forgiveness? Won’t you tell me how? I can’t read your mind. But I’m here right now…did I wait too long? To Turn the lights back on.” 

 

I felt that it was time after all these years to find a congregation and meet people that had the same values as myself. That my viewpoint of “not needing to belong to a congregation to be a good Jew” needed to change. I wanted to find a congregation that had the same beliefs as myself. I grew up following reformed Judaism and as I got into my late forties and now mid-ifties, I have found that my beliefs are more in line of Reconstructionist Judaism. Reconstructionist Judaism is a politically progressive and forward-thinking Jewish movement that sees Judaism as an evolving cultural and spiritual civilization rather than a set of divine commandments. 

 

I did a search on the Internet and there was congregation called Congregation of Reformed Judaism or CRJ for short that was only a ten-minute drive away from my home.  I was nervous that I had “waited too long to turn the lights back on”. I felt insecure as well as embarrassed that I had not been to Temple on a regular basis in decades and would I receive the same greeting and experience, the same rejection that I had gotten 17 years earlier. I started off slow and signed up for CRJ’s newsletter and found out that they broadcast their services on their YouTube channel. I watched a couple of Friday night Shabbat services, and this was not the type of service that I attended when I was young. There was a positive vibe, and the music was uplifting.  Rabbi Rachel Jackson was smiling, dancing, and singing throughout the service. 

 

After the horrible events in Israel on October 7, 2023, CRJ had an online service and Rabbi Jackson’s selection of prayers, poems, as well as her sermon brought me to tears. She knew exactly what to say to the distraught and grieving Jewish community of Central Florida. It was at that point I knew that this was the congregation for me. It took me a year to work up the courage to walk through CRJ’s doors after going through a second divorce. The executive director Michael encouraged me to attend a few Friday night Shabbat services to see if I liked the service, the congregants, the Rabbi and Soloist. 

 

I attended a Friday night service the week after Passover ended and I loved it. Everyone made me feel welcomed and Rabbi Jackson’s service was even better than the one I had watched online a year and a half earlier.  After the service, I introduced myself to Rabbi Jackson and she encouraged me to make an appointment to meet her privately so we could get to know each other. 

 

I didn’t know what to expect during our meeting as she listened attentively to me talk about being a caregiver and stay at home father to my youngest child, Evan who has ASD, while dealing with my own debilitating health issues. Rabbi Jackson and the congregation of CRJ have been very welcoming as I am making new fast friends, and my youngest son Evan has come with me to a couple of services. He loves the music. I have been to Temple every Friday night since that first nervous night. I feel that I am at peace and amongst like-minded friends. I guess I can say that it wasn’t too late to turn the lights are turned on.”